Hoboken Unveils Plans for Moat

“Let it go where it flows,” says City. (hMAG.com illustration)

“Let it go where it flows,” says City. (hMAG.com illustration)

Originally published on hMAG.com.

April 1, 2013—(HOBOKEN, NJ) Citing a need to mitigate flooding and water issues, compounded by increasing concerns over quality of life and public safety issues, the City of Hoboken met with engineers from Westeros Development to discuss plans for the possible construction of a moat surrounding the square-mile Hudson County enclave.

Located on the western shore of the Hudson River’s alluvial plain, Hoboken sustained massive damage in the wake of Hurricane Sandy. A series of water main breaks last week underscored the city’s need to address the flow of water in and out of the geographically small, yet densely populated municipality.

“Acknowledging the fact that Hoboken was once an island,” says City spokesperson Juan Melli, “we feel a moat represents our most pragmatic option for alleviating the ongoing concerns of floodwater in the Mile Square City.” Melli added, “The concept is pretty simple—let it go where it flows.”

With demonstrated experience in moat and walled-city fortifications, Westeros Development CEO Joffrey Baratheon detailed the plan, stating, “Hoboken’s pre-existing flood zones along its western wall are an obvious asset when it comes to natural moat construction. The various water main breaks over the past few days have highlighted several ‘wellsprings’ of engineering opportunity for the project’s swift and efficient completion.”

As to the concern for public safety, the moat would serve a dual purpose. For example, recent security concerns stemming from the LepreCon/St. Patrick’s Day pubcrawls throughout the month of March would be assuaged by the presence of such a natural fortification. “The construction of any edifice, be it a massive wall or a moat like this, would do well to keep the Wildlings at bay,” says Tywin Lannister, COO of Westeros Development.

“We actually got the idea for the moat’s defensive applications from a local clergyman,” said Hoboken spokesman Melli. Earlier in March, a Catholic priest wrote a letter suggesting that the city “turn back anyone wearing green,” in an effort to protect the city’s population from marauding hordes during the annual Feast of St. Patrick celebrations. “You want authentic Irish heritage?” says Melli, “Cahir Castle in Co. Tipperary was built in 1142 and featured a moat that defended the keep during the Elizabethan and Cromwellian conquests. BAM—there’s your Irish heritage.”

Geographically located in a unique epicenter of regional antisocial behavior, ongoing incursions from surrounding regions have long plagued Hoboken. Protectors of the realm have taken an oath to do their utmost during a Hoboken night’s watch, but they claim to be massively under-equipped to handle the growing threat.

While plans will be brought forth to the Hoboken City Council in the coming weeks, de facto construction of the moat may begin unannounced in conjunction with the next water main break, as Hoboken’s infrastructure continues to buckle under the weight of decades of rampant overdevelopment.

Opposition to the plan will likely be formidable, as the city’s various factions rally around their flags. As the battle gets underway, Hoboken’s Chief of Police has filed a lawsuit against a prominent City official over his perceived loss of benefits. He was last seen on the steps of City Hall screaming, “WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?!?”