Hoboken St. Patrick’s Day Visitor Guide/FAQ’s - 157
Hal Waste His Wages!
March 1, 2005

Despite having already covered the Hoboken St. Patrick’s Day festivities over the past few years, I still find a lot of people have a lot of questions about the event, to be held this Saturday, March 5. This means either a) no one is reading my column—shame on you, or b) a lot of people are new to the area—welcome to Hoboken, now start reading my column.

Whatever the case, I suppose I can take the time and dedicate yet another column to topic. I apologize in advance to my regular reader(s) if this seems like déjà vu all over again.

--When is Hoboken St. Patrick’s Day?

Hoboken holds its St. Patrick’s Day celebration every year on the first Saturday in the month of March, which happens to be this Saturday, the Fifth Day of the Third Month, Year of Our Lord Two-Thousand and Five.

--Wow, is Hoboken so full of raging drunks that it needs to have it’s own St. Patrick’s Day?

There’s actually a very sane and sober reason why Hoboken has chosen a date other than March 17 to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. In order to ensure the best bands and optimum turnout, forward-thinking Hobokenites decided against competing with the world-renowned Manhattan parade that takes place on the actual date of the Feast of St. Patrick. Should Hoboken choose to celebrate the event on that day, the Hoboken parade would be nothing but Mayor Roberts riding down the street in a green VW Beetle with the top down and a couple of drunks too wasted to find the PATH train. Various towns throughout New Jersey have taken similar measures (Jersey City is next week), making Hoboken the kick-off for “St. Patrick’s season,” if you will.

--I heard Hoboken is nothing but a free-for-all that day. Is it true every law goes right out the window and my friends and I can run rampant through the streets?

Sorry, my young drunken anarchist friend, but you’ll find quite the opposite. Hoboken makes a lot of money that day—not just the bars, restaurants and other merchants, but the city itself. Hoboken’s Finest are certainly on the lookout and will bust anyone for anything in order to get the fines. Advise your friend from Manhattan that this is not Mardi Gras and she cannot walk down the street with an alcoholic beverage in her hand. And tell your college buddy in from Boston that he might want think twice about peeing in the middle of Washington Street, as that fine can be hefty (don’t ask me how I know that…).

--What time should I get to the bar?

My advice is to get there as early as possible, or as late as possible. Most bars will open around 11 or so, and should be full by noon. They stay filled to capacity until around 11 p.m., when the Darwinism of drunkenness takes effect and the weak have all either passed out or been thrown out.

--Why do bars have such long lines? Do they think it’s funny to watch people stand outside in the cold?

Believe me, bartenders/bar owners would much rather have people inside spending money than outside getting pissed off. Capacity restrictions and strict enforcement of those restrictions by the Fire Marshall on that day in particular create the situations outside the bars. See, I told you to get there early…

--So bar hopping is probably a bad idea?

Pick a place and stick to it. If your buddy calls you from Mulligan’s and you’re at McSwiggan’s tell him to have a nice weekend, because you’re not waiting in line again. And don’t try telling the bouncer your friends are inside because he likely doesn’t give a rat’s arse.

--Once I’m in a bar, I can act like a total prick because the bar staff are lucky to have me.

Think again, tool. Last thing you want is to get kicked out of a bar you just waited an hour and a half to get into. Keep in mind that you’re just taking up space, and there are hundreds of others standing right outside who could fill that space should you be asked to vacate it. Take it easy, folks—be good or be gone is in full effect.

--Sounds like a real pain. Should I just have a house party instead?

Any seasoned veteran of these things will tell you that house parties are the only way to go. If you don’t have a house party to go to, throw your own. If you can’t do that, find two of your best looking girl friends and begin walking around Hoboken. If you walk more than two blocks without being catcalled, have them take their jackets off.

--I should wait until Saturday to buy all my liquor, right?

That’s like waiting until the blizzard starts to buy the rock salt. You know it’s coming, you know how big it is, you know the demand will be huge. Get all you can while you can, or else you’ll be stuck buying out all the store’s remaining Zima and a plastic jughandle of Senator’s Club Vodka. Woooooo!!! PAR-TAY!!!

--Gee, all those people doing all that drinking packed into a square mile. That seems like a great day to drive into Hoboken.

I would strenuously suggest you and your friends take advantage of the various public transportation opportunities Hoboken has to offer. And as always, DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE. If common sense isn’t enough to stop you, rest assured there will be roadblocks at either end of town.

Have fun folks!

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