Spam I Am - 198
Hal Waste Blows His Wad!
August 1, 2006

For years I have emailing this column to friends, family and acquaintances—all of whom have asked to be placed on my mailing list. Then suddenly, about three weeks ago, the good people at Yahoo.com decided I was no longer allowed to use their account as it was going out to too many people. I tried limiting the list and sending it multiple times, but again and again it was shot down. Then I realized what they had me pegged for.

Call me meat jelly, ‘cause I’m on the SPAM!

ME—a spammer?!? Me—the guy who demands $10 to cover my ticket from anyone who uses their cell phone when I’m in the theater?!? Me—the same guy who wants to invoke a height requirement for the use of umbrellas so I won’t get annoyed by them?!? Me—the guy who launched a written assault on pushy moms with oversized strollers, I’m the one accused of obtrusive behavior?

Well that’s just friggin’ great. Now I’m the bad guy. Because I’m exercising free speech and free expression and sharing it with the world via free email, I’m to end up like Vardan Kushnir, the Russian spammer who was brutally bludgeoned in his Moscow apartment last July. Or maybe Yahoo.com just thinks I’m just a self-important windbag who runs his mouth too much to too many people (I can’t really argue with the latter).

Whatever their conclusion, I figured I should take to time to find out what sort of company I keep in the annals internet activity. With my email address openly listed at a few locations on the web, I’ve come to attract quite a volume of ridiculous spam myself. So I decided to go 24 hours without clearing my spam filter—the online equivalent of trawling the East River—to see what sort of crap I could stock up. Here are the highlights:

-Out of 68 emails, 21 were asking me if I wanted a new laptop. If I were in such dire need for a computer, how would I be able to check my email and see that they were offering me one?

-Numerous people also feel it’s time I refinance my mortgage. Had they done even the slightest bit of research, they’d realize a) I rent my apartment and b) my credit is so lousy I can’t get a Blockbuster card, let alone a mortgage.

-A disturbing amount of people feel I need to add inches to my penis, which makes me wonder, are my ex-girlfriends talking? Scarier still, are they now dating online marketers?

-I was offered an opportunity to meet black singles online, but I’m too worried I’d just disappoint (see above). Plus the concept of culturally specific online dating is a bit unsettling—take Darren Sherman’ss exploits on J-Date, for example.

-An awful lot of prescription drugs are available on line, but I’ve never heard of most of these new ones, like v1agra, ceeyalus, leveetra, zanecks, am-b-en, valleyum…

-Apparently Prince Akeem of Zamunda is in dire need of my bank account number—I’ll sent that out right away.

-Then there’s c_halleron@yahoo.com How do you feel about George W. Bush? Nice try (Attorney General Alberto) Gonzales, but I’ll stay well the heck away from that one.

-Then again, some spammers are just rather friendly, for example RE: Hey, RE: info, RE: What’s Up?, RE: Thanks. Gosh darn, it sure is nice out there on the web.

I’ve been able to circumvent Yahoo.com and have found a new, more efficient way to mail out my angry rants. In the meantime, forward some of your favorite spam to c_halleron@yahoo.com. If you forward it to enough people, your wish will come true and Bill Gates will send you a check for $4,236.58. However, should you fail to forward it you’ll catch bubonic plague.

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