Vote For Michelle - 202
Hal Waste His Wages!
September 25, 2006
 

"Halleron, you're the best gosh darn bartender in the history of bartenderdom--why didn't you sign up for the American Bartender Contest at McSwiggans (110 First St., Hoboken)?"

First of all, thank you for saying so. Out of fairness to the other competitors, I decided to exclude myself from the event. Were I to compete, it would be like DaVinci entering an art fair or Klitschko fighting featherweight.

Plus some of my regulars might be willing to concede the fact that despite my near perfection, I can occasionally get a slight wee tiny bit testy behind the bar. I'm not really the "service with a smile" type, and despite my eerily ample bosoms, I wonder if patrons would be able to look past that.

Furthermore, if you think for one second I'm standing behind the wood at a joint that claims to be "Hoboken's Home for the Boston Red Sox," then you're out of your goddamn mind (sorry Aidan, I just can’t get over it). 

Nevertheless, this American Idol-esque contest is getting a lot of attention (the entire contest is being filmed and it will reportedly be pitched as a TV show), and since I’m absent from the ballot, after much careful consideration I hereby fully endorse Michelle Samarel of Oddfellows Rest (80 River St., Hoboken). She's one of those rare, masochistic bartenders that actually enjoys being behind the bar, or at least does a great job of faking it. She's quick, attentive, engaging and is most likely to spend a good chunk of the $10,000 prize buying drinks for everyone who voted for her.

Apparently one of the guys nipping at her heels is some fella from out of town who busses his crowd in with him--kind of like Hearst billeting the troops in Sturgis so they can vote against Bullock (Deadwood reference--if you got it, great, if not, move along). There's no way some carpetbagger from Hackensack is coming into our town and taking the title from one of our own; that’d be like having some chick from Arkansas win the Senate seat in New York.

With one week left, other candidates are dropping like fruit flies in the vermouth, and it’s down to a couple key combatants in the battle for Hoboken’s hearts, minds and livers. Michelle should take them all—she deserves it. She’s honestly one of the best bartenders I’ve ever been around, and I’ve been around a hell of a lot of bartenders.

Stop by McSwiggan’s Tuesday for the contest finale, and when you see Michelle at work you’ll know I’m right. It’s your duty as an American to exercise your right to vote, and it’s important for America to know some of its best bartenders are right here in Hoboken.

(Writer’s note: I’m certainly not arrogant enough to include myself in that last statement. I also acknowledge that I’m a miserable bastard when stand behind the bar. It’s merely a conditioned response—when you beat a dog for years, he tends to snarl a lot.) 

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