Enough about Rumsfeld or Pelosi--the two hot names on everybody's lips this week will be Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, who are reportedly to wed this weekend; thereby uniting themselves in the eyes of L. Ron Hubbard to become TomKat Chrolmesuise (since seemingly every celebrity couple needs to have their names morphed together like a Labradoodle). 

Normally when it comes to celebrities in the news I like to keep my Eyes Wide Shut, but the recent Days of Thunder casting Rain Man clouds on Tom Cruises Vanilla Sky are making that Mission: Impossible (lookout, [Metro Entertainment Editor] Kenya Hunt--with a snappy lead in like that I'll be Top Gun for your job in no time…).

C'mon people--its Tom $*@%!^& Cruise, Far and Away The Firm Outsider with All the Right Moves, but The Color of Money is fading and he's Losin' It as the press plays Taps on their Endless Love with his Risky Business. A Few Good Men told me Legend had it a Minority Report indicates Jerry Maguire couldn't even get this wilted Magnolia an Interview with a Vampire or enough Collateral to buy him a Cocktail even if he was The Last Samurai in the War of the Worlds Born on the 4th of July. (Cheers, IMDb.com--its like a hacks almanac…)

What's America' s sudden beef with Joel Goodsen/Charlie Babbitt/Danny Kaffee? It's one thing to feel some heat in the tabloids, but this poor fella is taking shots on his chiseled chin from all angles, whether it's Cartman and Kyle on South Park or Kornheiser and Wilbon on PTI. First his movies tanked, then he lost his job, and then--at its worst--people were out and out calling his newborn baby ugly. No wonder celebrities feel the need to dodge the media and separate themselves from the herd to give birth, like wildebeests hiding from hyenas on the Serengeti (or in Namibia , if you're Angelina Jolie).

But why do I care? How does the plight of some plummeting Icarus of an icon have anything to do with me? Well it turns out Cruise and I have a lot in common, and if they can turn on a dynamic poster-boy heartthrob like him, what's to stop them from turning on a surly, bald curmudgeon (see photo above)?

For instance, Thomas Cruise Mapother IV was born in Syracuse , New York-- I too spent my formative years shoveling snow and bleeding Orange . Cruise later moved to New Jersey-- I live in Hoboken . In 1981 he played Cadet Capt. David Shawn in Taps--I graduated from a military college. He went on to play bartender Brian Flanagan in Cocktail--I went on to play bartender Christopher Halleron in real life (it's getting a little creepy now, isn't it?). Cruise married Nicole Kidman--I used to date an Australian. They broke up--so did we. But here's the clincher: Tom Cruise got to beat the bag out of Wilford Brimley in 1993s The Firm--all my adult life I've pondered what it would be like to beat the bag out of Wilford Brimley.

It's more than coincidence here--it's kismet, and now I'm making it my calling to restore honor to the House of Cruise.  

So what if the guy Howard Dean'ed himself on Oprah by telling a room full of estrogen that he loved his girlfriend; so what if his baby's name sounds like a Canadian's apology; so what if his little lady's on-camera facial contortions look like she's trying to tongue that last bit of PB & J off her molars.

We're talking about Maverick here, goddamn it, and he can be my wingman anytime (Bull$#!+--I can be HIS). He's the guy who took the highway to the "Danger Zone" when he wasn't "Playing with the Boys," but it looks like "You've Lost that Lovin' Feeling," America--now it's gone, gone, gone…whoa, whoa, whoa.

It's time this country once again embraced one of the finest damn celebrities to ever be overpaid in American dollars. If we work together then maybe, just maybe we can help Maverick pull out of this tailspin. Hell, if Kelly McGillis can take him back, then so can we. If not for his sake, if not for my sake, then for the love of God do it for Goose.