No "I" in Peace - 218
Hal Goes Metro--New York, Philadelphia, Boston
February 1, 2007

For two countries that fought for so long, Iran and Iraq actually have a bit in common. In addition to sitting atop America’s "you-know-what" list, both nations begin with the letter "I," begging the question of whether their self-centered initial has gone to their collective heads, thus explaining their inability to get along with "U.S."

Seemingly, they’re not the only "I" countries have a few problems playing nice with others.

Take a perennial imp like Israel, who has been fighting with its neighbors ever since moving onto the block. Then you’ve got Ireland, where they've been fighting for the pot o' gold at the end o' that rainbow for centuries. Since spawning fascism and invading Ethiopia, Italy has been home to one of the most dysfunctional governments in all of Europe--and let's not even talk about il vendetta (seriously, don't talk about it...).

India can't seem to get along with Pakistan, and resulting conflicts in the Kashmir region have everyone on edge. Renowned cultural observer Robert Plant once assessed the Kashmir situation, grimly stating, "All I see turns to brown, as the sun burns the ground and my eyes fill with sand as I scan this wasted land." The Ivory Coast has been embroiled in civil war since a 1999 coup. And don't try hiding the "I" with that Cote d'Ivoire business; say it, Frenchy--it's Ivory Coast. Meanwhile, Indonesia is so unstable the very ground beneath it is shifting, and that's had an obvious negative effect on the entire region. (Before you write in, I realize it will always be too soon for a tasteless tsunami joke, but never too soon for some sick bastard to try one. Today I'll be playing the role of that sick bastard...)

So where will we find the next threat in this Axis of Ego? Try the cold-blooded nation of Iceland, where the mournful, erratic wailing of Björk is a good indication they are a deeply troubled nation brimming with anxious animosity. But my advice to the people of Iceland would be to Checkjavik before you Reykjavik, as we wouldn't even need to fight you--we could just maintain our exorbitant carbon emissions and melt your little "Ice Land."

Of course one can obviously conclude from this iron-clad synopsis that "US" in the U.S. are A-OK. It's without a doubt our inclusive, embracing nature that makes us so beloved around the globe.

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