A Crappy Proposal - 229
Hal Wastes His Wages!
May 22, 2007
 

A lot of people are making a big stink about the loads of dog doo covering the sidewalks of Hoboken, and I figure why not step in it myself. After all, the chance to pen an article chock full of poop jokes is any columnists dream; what can I say, I’m just a crappy writer (See, it’s literary gold, baby!).

In the coming weeks some of our fine leaders in City Hall are hoping to sit and push their ideas on waste through the system. And while they’re at it they might address the issues of dog doo as well… (Man, it’s just too easy!). 

Butt seriously… (Da-dum-dump!)

An article in last week’s Hoboken Reporter detailed plans to increase the fine for anyone found guilty of failing to remove pet waste. In addition, some council members introduced the concept of running the pictures of violators in the newspaper. I, for one, am fervently opposed to the latter idea, as it might cause readers to misidentify me as “that guy who lets his dog crap all over the sidewalk every other week.”

I say go the other way with it—instead of penalizing the litter, reward the clean up. In 1971, the Oregon Bottle Bill changed the way we thought about empty cans and bottles in America. What was once a joy to shatter against road signs or shoot off fences with a 12-gauge soon became a viable source of income for our nation’s underprivileged/college students. And in doing so, they immediately became less of a nuisance to our quality of life.

Why not apply the same, fail-safe logic to Hoboken’s dog waste problem? Set up the Hoboken Public Office of Pet Scat, or Hoboken “P.O.O.P.S,” where enterprising citizens can deposit pet waste for proper disposal and receive some sort of cash reward for their efforts.

Obvious questions present themselves; for instance, does the reward vary based on the size of the package? Should you get the same for tidying up after a Chihuahua as you would a Great Dane? Should they be paid by the parcel or by the pound? Where would we put such a facility and what would we do with all the doo?

But the prospective benefits far outweigh any of these concerns. Just think, not only would the streets and sidewalks be free of animal waste, but there would be new fund-raising opportunities for civic organizations as neighbors could open their doors and empty their litter boxes for “Doody Drives.” That way, by taking care of its “No. 2” problem, Hoboken can help eliminate its number one problem: packs of ravenous little grifters selling candy bars for “their basketball team.” Those indignant little rascals swarm all over me like flies on, well, y’know… And when I try to sidestep them is invariably when I end up landing in dog doo.

But now with these pressing issues resolved, our fine leaders in City Hall can tend to the other steaming piles in our town. Instead of just sitting around and talking crap, it would be nice to get some leadership that actually gets crap done.

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