The '80s Blow - 242
Hal Wastes His Wages
October 22, 2007

Admittedly, I'm enjoying this recent little Retro '80s fad. I go back to a happy place when I turn on the radio and hear "99 Luftballoons" or "The Safety Dance" or "In a Big Country" (by the band: Big Country). I get a kick out of blaring Bonnie Tyler on the jukebox followed by some kitschy Wham! tune with an Air Supply chaser. And I thoroughly enjoy pointless, esoteric arguments over who's the wackier neighbor--Boner from "Growing Pains" or Skippy Handleman from Family Ties (Advantage: Boner).

But there is one recurring '80s fad that I'm not so keen on. Who the hell decided it was cool to bring cocaine back into fashion?

I don't care what decade it is, there's nothing more annoying than some yammering toolbag all zooted up on blow. Let's face it, I'm no Nancy Reagan, and I'll be the first to admit I've had mood alterations resulting from contact with certain substances--primarily ones that start with "W" and end with "hiskey." But more often than not drinkers are regarded as harmless and entertaining. Meanwhile, there's just something wholly unappealing about hanging out with someone who's on coke.

There's the overall twitchy, jittery, nervousness. There's the incessant volume of speech, done at an inappropriate volume. There's the unflinching insistence of superiority in any discussion, and the smug misconception that nobody realizes they're actually high as they stand in front of you rubbing their nose with their eyes bugging out while constantly readjusting their jaw. Seemingly unbeknownst to cokeheads is the fact that they wear their habit like a scarlet letter, deservedly ostracized as others grow weary of their tell-tale indicia.  

The lure of cocaine has always been lost on me. Why spend all that money on blow so you can go out and spend all that money on drinks, then use the blow to counter the effect of the drinks simply so you can stick around long enough to piss off everybody in the room? It's inefficient, if nothing else. Maybe it's because I've never had that sort of money to throw around, or maybe I'm just a simpleton who enjoys a few pints and the occasional bout with brown liquor. I guess I "just haven't lived."

Going back to1987, I vividly remember the film version of the Bret Easton Ellis novel Less Than Zero, by and large a forgettable film but for the scene where (spoiler alert) Robert Downey, Jr. drops to his knees to… ahem… rectify an outstanding loan. This was the Trainspotting of the '80s, and I took a look at that scene and decided then and there that cocaine didn't look like fun.

So I am truly puzzled by its recent resurgence. I'm certainly not naïve enough to think it went away altogether, it's just disheartening to see it once again so apparent. Cocaine is a lot like totalitarianism in Russia--it has always been around, simply maintaining a quieter, less observable presence. But now they both seem to be back in an overt fashion, and neither Jesus Jones nor Grandmaster Flash is around to do anything about it.

Even worse, we're only a few years away from the resurgence of ecstasy, bad grunge and "Rumpshaker."

"All I wanna do is zooma-zoom-zoom-zoom and a boom-boom…"

Yeah, I'll be home on the couch with my six-pack watching New Jack City until that fad blows by.

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