Should Auld Notations Be Forgot - 247
Hal Wastes His Wages
December 21, 2007

Since my esteemed colleagues at The Reporter get to throw together a "Year in Review" greatest hits compilation and still get the royalties, I figure why not mail one in myself and cash a check for it. Here's a heartwarming look back at the year that was, and who or what pissed me off throughout:

January:
"Going Britney Like a Scotsman"
Aye, I started off the New Year swinging free and easy as I donned a kilt and adopted Britney Spears' casual approach to undergarments. In the end, I'd say my year turned out a wee bit better than hers…
"An Inconvenient Goof"
Ouch--I broke my laptop and spent several weeks creatively paralyzed considering no one in the history of mankind has ever written anything without a computer.
"Public Library"
A routine trip to the Hoboken Public Library produced, amazingly, one of my most commented upon columns to date. Apparently if you want something read, target the librarian demographic.

February:
"We All Have Our Horror Stories"
Ah, yes… the Hoboken St. Patrick's Day gripe sessions came early in 2007. Maybe this year we can start bitching about in January…
"You Can't Handle the Truth"
My point, should you have bothered to read the whole goddamn thing, was that you shouldn't single out the bars on St. Patrick's Day, since most of the trouble takes place outside their realm. Ugh, I already have an aneurysm from thinking about this year's event…

March:(You mean there was a March? I thought Hoboken St. Patrick's Day was the end of the world!!!)
"Beware the Ides of March Madness"
My hometown 'Cuse got the shaft from the NCAA. And be sure to read my insightful analysis that says Florida doesn't stand a chance…
"Sacrifishal Season"
There's nothing like a little blasphemy to add flavor to your favorite Lenten dishes.

April:
"Making a Stink"
It was high time a local reporter had the courage to tackle the tough issues--like barroom flatulence.
"Yet Another Hack, Pseudo-Elitist Wannabe Eulogizing Vonnegut"
Me and Vonnegut were tight, man. Just ask him. Oh, wait… 

May:
"Cinco Tacos, Hold de Mayo"
Let me state this clearly so you all understand--BEST $*(%!^& TACOS EVER!!! Comprende?
"A Crappy Proposal"
Lets call it a pretty $#!++% attempt at satire. Now pick up your dog crap!

June:
"Want Credit? Carry Cash!"
Putting that bottle of water on your credit card, eh? Really? REALLY?!?!
"'Boken Blue Collar Bon Vivant"
Sure, I bitch about this town a lot, but it ain't all bad. We took a stroll for a day in the life.

July:
"Stroller Pushin' Mamas Revisted"
Apparently I didn't upset enough moms when my original piece ran, so I felt the need to go back at 'em. I have a feeling this one's gonna end up coming back on me, as karma can be a bitch, (or a bastard--we'll let you know…).
"H2Obroken"
Speaking of karma, I wished some serious pain in this little flare up when a friendly neighbor decided to blow up the bar's stall during the water outage.

August:
"Who Feels Like Hurling?"
Not what you think… Had a good time watching Gaelic Athletic Association matches at Mulligan's.
"Bagging Plastic"
Watching all that Planet Earth on Discovery made me realize I could do my part by boycotting plastic bags.
"Sizzled Grizzle"
Fat, bald Irish-American went out in the sun. Need I say more? Well I did.

September:
"Double-Bagging Plastic"
Like a true conservationist, I recycled a previously used column. Turns out "Big Plastic" has an agenda, and its foot-soldiers are pushy, immigrant grocers.
"Can't Beat Street Meat"
Mmmmmmm… Sauzeege…

October:
"Fat Guy in a Little Race"
With all the seafood, tacos and sausages I'd been eating (see above), I had a bit of jogging to do.
"The 80's Blow"
Turns out New Coke is just as annoying as Old Coke.

November:
"Kamikaze Warblers Attack Hoboken"
I pulled a Chicken Little and thought the sky was falling after being bombarded by little yellow birds.
"Hoot-boken's Finest"
Aw yeah… Boys will be boys, with their toys, and their liquor, and their scantily clad Hooters girls holding guns--you'd just think any policeman worth his salt would know when and how to withhold the friggin' evidence.

December:
"Bush's Legacy of Goofs"
Al Gore may have created the internet, but Bush and his voluminous catalog of screw ups brought on the BLOG.

"Kiss My Asterisk"
HEADLINE--Apparently some professional athletes have partaken in performance enhancing drugs. Let's talk about how bad it is, then do nothing about it.

There it is--a year's supply of whine. Hope you enjoyed it because without you, the public, I'd have nothing to bitch about. Thanks for being there…
XOXO

HAL
Happy New Year!
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Christopher M. Halleron, freelance writer/bitter bartender, writes a biweekly humor column for The Hudson Current and websites in the New York Metro area. He spends a lot of his time either in front of or behind the bar in Hoboken, New Jersey where his tolerance for liquor grows stronger as his tolerance for society is eroded on a daily basis. Feel free to drop him a line at c_halleron@yahoo.com.

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