Think Globally, Act 'Bokenly- 255
Hal Wastes His Wages
April 22, 2008

See, I care so much about the environment I'm even recycling my columns…

In fact, I've even used that very line before, but it's Earth Day and if I can reduce my carbon imprint by reusing my own bull$#!+, then I'm doing my part.

I'd like to take the opportunity to applaud Mayor Roberts for his signing of the "U.S. Mayors Climate Protection Agreement." Any step in that direction is a good step, and if we can reduce the city's carbon emissions by 2020 then huzzah and kudos to the administration.

But here are a few suggestions for Hoboken that can make an impact RIGHT NOW:

*Ensure the Hoboken Parking Utility prints all its parking tickets on recycled paper. That alone should save acres of carbon-converting forest.

*Require the armada of vehicles serving as TowBoken's "recovery trucks" to convert to hybrids, and have them take any gas-guzzler of a Humvee they find parked in a crosswalk to be cleaned and deposited off Sandy Hook to build a natural reef.

*Pass an ordinance that requires bars and restaurants to recycle. When they do so, don’t pass another ordinance penalizing them for doing it with increased fees or taxes.

*Ensure that any and all posters, placards, flyers employed in any election campaign be printed on material that immediately biodegrades in water. Then require that they all be hung below flood level in southwest Hoboken.

*To cut down on noise pollution, convert the piercing squawk of HPD's squad cars into the majestic sound of a screeching eagle. That will help keep Washington Street clear of not just double-parkers, but similar vermin such as rats, mice and pigeons.

*Set up the Hoboken Public Office of Pet Scat, or Hoboken “P.O.O.P.S,” where enterprising citizens can deposit pet waste for proper disposal and receive some sort of cash reward for their efforts. In turn, work with the Hoboken Mounted Police and develop a fertilizer to spread on the lawn at city hall--it should smell better than bum urine.

But in all seriousness, there is one initiative that could be easily implemented and have an immediate impact on Hoboken's environment. As I mentioned in a column back on August 16, 2007, a Salon.com article by Katharine Mieszkowski highlighted the staggering negative impact everyday plastic bags have on the environment, whether it's the hundreds of thousands of marine animals that become entangled in them each year, or the tree outside your apartment that rustles in the breeze with the sound of non-biodegradable polythene. And despite my normal indignation and overall callousness towards other human beings, I actually give a fraction of a crap about the environment. It stems from the fact that I primarily spend my TV time watching nature programs, and if we keep screwing up the environment there won't be anything good left on TV.

So I'm making a heartfelt and concerted effort to avoid unnecessary plastic bags. It can't be too hard--nations such as Ireland, South Africa, Taiwan and Bangladesh have already taken legislative steps to curb the use of these things. With US cities from California to Connecticut following suit, it would be interesting to see what sort of impact a citywide ban in our little burgh could have, considering Hoboken's being located where the Hudson meets the sea.

Small business owners, consider the potential benefits of proactively seeking alternatives. Large corporate chains feeding off the area's commerce, it would be a decent gesture to show you actually care about the local environment. Opportunistic politicians and "Quality of Life Coalitions," consider the legacy. And trendy yuppie scum, this should be right in your wheelhouse.

Now recycle this paper.

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Christopher M. Halleron, freelance writer/bitter bartender, writes a biweekly humor column for The Hudson Current and websites in the New York Metro area. He spends a lot of his time either in front of or behind the bar in Hoboken, New Jersey where his tolerance for liquor grows stronger as his tolerance for society is eroded on a daily basis. Feel free to drop him a line at c_halleron@yahoo.com

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