Hmmmmmboken- 260
Hal Wastes His Wages
June 30, 2008
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
back in the early days when I started writing this column, it actually had a
concept…
The plan was to take the paltry It's a holiday weekend, which means no one will
be around to read this column. So it really doesn't matter what I write--one of
those "if a tree falls in the woods…"scenarios. Nevertheless, I have a job to
do, and as always there are a few things on my mind. A few little things around
town that, quite frankly, are too frivolous to warrant an entire column. But
they still justify consideration, and united they can fill just enough space to
get me paid… I hope…
For instance:
*Why are there such strict and stringent laws regulating the working hours of
bars and other public houses, yet fast food joints get to stay open all night
long? Aren't they bad for people too? In fact, heart disease is the number one
killer in America, and some of my worst hangovers have stemmed from
cheeseburgers rather than bourbon. Well, in fairness it was a combination of
both, but I still felt the burger long after the bourbon evaporated.
*If Stevens Institute of Technology is such a good engineering school, then why
can't they build a decent set of stairs from their campus down to the
waterfront? Those rickety ankle-breakers look like something a history major
would build for his kid's tree house. And if you think they're bad, take a look
at the "dock" in back of the Griffith Building.
*Why do New Jersey Transit busses need an audible signal to indicate that they
are "kneeling" to pick up passengers? And why does that signal sound exactly
like the sustained car horn of a Honda Civic? As you can guess, I live right
next to a bus stop…
*Am I the only one who feels ripped off when I pay to use the Light Rail? It's
always running irregularly--about as regularly as they actually check for my
ticket. Of course I'm fully aware that the next time I get on there without a
ticket, I'll end up sitting next to a guy from fare enforcement.
*What is it about a drop of rain landing on a windshield that makes people
completely forget the fundamentals of the New Jersey Motor Vehicle Commission
Driver's Manual and the basic tenets of driving courtesy?
*Why did North Fork Bank feel the need to open a North Fork Bank across the
street from a North Fork Bank? And when Capital One Bank took over North Fork
Bank, why did they close both banks at the same time to switch over the
stationery?
*"Pier A" is beautiful, and I'm looking forward enjoying "Pier C," but what
about "Pier B?" Did the "B-Lobby" lose the bidding war? Maybe they decided to
devote their efforts to co-sponsoring Sesame Street with the Letter Q and Number
6.
*What's the story with that… ahem… "festive" guy who stands on the street corner
with a Walkman signing and dancing to '80's tunes, and does he take requests?
*What's the whole story behind "Speedy," that fella in the Ford Aerostar who
drives around town at 2 mph? No joke here--I'm actually curious.
*Hoboken is getting a new Starbucks. That makes four, count 'em--FOUR Starbucks
in our little square Mile (Newark and River, 12th and Hudson, Barnes & Noble,
and soon 3rd and Washington). Is that really necessary--I mean, couldn't they
just put in another 24-hour fast food joint instead?
*Oh, and George Carlin died. "Feces, urine, copulation, vagina, fellator,
Oedipus, mammillae!!!"
*******************************************************
Christopher M. Halleron, freelance writer/bitter bartender, writes a biweekly
humor column for The Hudson Current and websites in the New York Metro area. He
spends a lot of his time either in front of or behind the bar in Hoboken, New
Jersey where his tolerance for liquor grows stronger as his tolerance for
society is eroded on a daily basis. Feel free to drop him a line at
c_halleron@yahoo.com
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